Am I the only one that’s scared of success? I don’t understand this. Why do I feel so torn? This inner storm is too much. Sometimes I get so excited about the future that I could burst. The stuff I’ve been sweating over and bleeding for is finally starting to come together. I’m slowly, yet doggedly, creating this beautiful, complex, rich life that I always thought was way beyond my reach. And with every baby step I take I feel like I’m getting a handle on things. Like I’m figuring it all out and manifesting happiness and joy and contentment that I never thought was possible. The stuff of dreams.
And then KABLAM!! I’m seized with this sudden and fierce terror that threatens to immobilize me forevermore. I’m paralyzed with the fear of getting everything I’ve ever wanted. Is it because I feel that I don’t deserve it? Maybe I still believe that life is meant to be a constant struggle, full of angst and frustration. Maybe I still believe I am not meant for greatness.
I don’t really know what’s at the root of this immense fear, but I do know that I’m ferociously stubborn and will not be told no. I know how many fears I’ve faced in the past and beaten into the ground. I know that I’ve only just begun to scratch the surface of what I’m capable of. And what I find is when the fear gets all up in my face and tries push me backwards, that’s when the magic is about to happen. That’s when I find my backbone and start to fight back.
It’s time to push through. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. Stop trying to figure out how it’s all going to play out. There’s no way to know. There are so many things I’m not in control of. I need to go back to the basics. Get up everyday and do the things. Stop judging them as good or bad and just do them. Then do them some more.
This life is not about accomplishing as much as possible, rushing through all of these experiences and tasks to fill my days up to the brink of overflowing. It’s about getting to know who I am. What I want. What I love. Being fully immersed and present in everything I do. Finding joy in simplicity. Being authentic. Becoming my best dazzling self.
Who knows what my future will bring? I can’t stand here, not moving, strangled by the fear of the unknown anymore. I need to embrace the uncertainty and chug on through the fog. I’ve identified what it is I want to do with my life. I’ve found people and hobbies to surround myself with that make me deliriously happy. The end result of everything is basically irrelevant at this point. I could die tomorrow without regret because for the most part, I’m living exuberantly, fully invested in each day, excitedly pursuing what I want.
So maybe a better way to look at this whole scared of success situation is to realize that I’ve already found colossal success. Every day that I write and laugh with my kids and make music and kiss and dance and cry is a success. Everything else that comes my way as I carry on will be icing on the cake. And I’ve never heard of anyone being scared of cake, so….