Who the Hell are You?
No but seriously…who the hell are you? What, of value, do you have to say? What makes you think you have an original thought or idea to share?
Whoa. Harsh. If someone said that to you, how would you react? How would you feel, hearing that someone thinks that way about you? Someone thinks that way about me, and tells me often. And I put up with it. Because it’s me. I think that way about me…or I did until about a week ago. I trash talked myself all the time about this blog and my writing. Strange, but I generally put a stop to negative self talk in all the other areas of my life. I’ve made great headway, in fact, with cutting out the garbage and replacing it with a more positive soundtrack.
Just not regarding this blog, aka my (hopefully) future career. I’ve been plugging away at this for about a year now, I think. I’ve done 20 posts in that time, which is pretty dismal considering I was aiming for a post a week. I used to make the excuse that I didn’t have enough time. I was doing the daycare thing then and rugby and my kids’ stuff. The no time excuse sounded legit. Except now I’m not doing the daycare thing because I decided in July to take the plunge and really pursue my writing and still I struggle to get a post a week done. What the fuck?
It turns out that all this shit talking I was doing to myself was not the usual in your face, clear as day talk that I’m used to but rather the sneaky, quiet nudges that present more as inklings. Think Wormtongue from Lord of the Rings, whispering maliciousness and evil until it’s a deep-seated belief. Spooky and dramatic, no?
Anyways. It was a lot harder to recognize and I think a part of me didn’t want to recognize it because that would mean actually facing my fears about what I’m capable of in terms of generating income out of something I love to do. It’s ridiculous, really. I have almost no issues with self confidence and self worth, finally, at this point in my life. But somehow somewhere along the line I developed a (wrong) belief system about money and my ability to produce it and how much I’m capable of making.
Upon reflection last week about my future I was, for the gazillionth time, asking myself what I really truly wanted to do with my life. Did I really want to be a writer? And then BAM! It hit me like a fish slap right across the face. I wasn’t really asking if I wanted to be a writer. I was asking if I legitimately have what it takes to make it as a writer. And up until now, with all the crap I had been quietly telling myself, the answer was a resounding FUCK NO. I didn’t believe I could do it so I didn’t take it seriously. That would involve me putting my heart and soul into something that ultimately, I believed I would fail at.
Well shit. Where do I go from there? I wanted to spend my time doing something that really excited and inspired me. And so far, this blog was not that. Because I didn’t believe it would succeed, I didn’t invest much of myself into it, aside from churning out a post every 2-3 weeks. Bleh. SNORE.
Last week I read this kick ass article called Screw Finding Your Passion by Mark Manson. If you don’t feel like reading it, here’s the gist…when we’re kids we do random shit for no reason other than because we feel like it. We don’t do things only if they’re going to be a building block to our future career. We don’t not do things just because lots of other kids are doing the same thing and our thing might not be as good as theirs. We do things cause they’re fun. We do things cause they make us happy.
I re-evaluated the whole blogging thing. Looking at it, it was pretty one dimensional and as one critic mockingly put it, just so freaking positive. Not that positive is a bad thing, but let’s be honest, I’m not that positive all the time. I’m sarcastic and a little bit jaded and sometimes have anger management issues. I’m also optimistic and idealistic and a total smart ass. There’s obviously a lot more to me than just a positive outlook and I want to get some of that to be communicated through my blog.
As I’ve started to plan out some new ideas for content, I’ve found myself really looking forward to working on it all. Like instead of flicking through Instagram for the millionth time today, I kinda want to tweak and plan and come up with some more fun ideas. At the end of it all, if I’m being really honest, yes I want to make money through my writing. But if I don’t? I’m going to have a shit ton of fun and have a great virtual scrapbook full of seriousfunsillycoolweird crap to show for it.
Yes, I realize that I’ve spent the entire blog talking about myself and yes, I know, that’s not what the blogging ‘experts’ recommend. But guess what? It’s my blog and I’ll do whatever the hell I want. It may not be pretty or fluffy…it may be gritty and messy and ugly. But it will be a true and honest representation of me and the things that matter to me.
What’s something you used to do for no other reason than because it’s fun and made you happy?